A combination of aspects within my life are almost forcing me to be close minded and not ambitious. I run between school, work, and Playstation Universe, and I don’t have time for me or my muse. Surely, I signed up for all of this, in a sense. So, why do I complain?
I need money, and the only place I’m earning it is through my stupid ass job at Jimmy John’s. I need my education, and SMSU is the only venue in which I’m learning. I also need credibility, and I’m earning that through PSU. But, what can I do with only 24 hours in a day? I can only cut back my hours at work to help divide my resources. The thought doesn’t elude me even slightly, but I also am no longer receiving tip money, since all I’m currently good for is being an underpaid manager that watches all the terrible delivery drivers earn all the money in the world.
I suppose my biggest issue would be of circumstance. Too much happening at once, but all of those things are important to my sustainability. On the other hand, I have my mental integrity to consider. Since my “father” is a schizophrenic, I’m 12 times more susceptible to becoming a schizophrenic. Every day, I think about this. I don’t know how I could handle losing my cognitive functioning to something that would disillusion me so very terribly; the prime time for it to occur is in my age group.
On top of all of this, I haven’t had respect at my job since late summer. While I was on vacation with my muse in Wisconsin, someone at work gossiped that Crystal started rumors about, well, something or other that was “a big deal.” We hadn’t had a vacation in 15 years, and this was how we were received upon return. Our boss even chewed out Crystal without proof or credibility for “doing what she did,” and though she said everyone needed a chewing, our boss never said anything else to anyone on the subject. A month before, we had helped reopen our store after a major storm, and we did it without pay. I can’t come back to my former mindset after that scenario.
Everyday I think and ponder, and everyday I worry and fret about what I should be doing. I’m bond myself leading me, who is also blind, and I’m not getting anywhere. Always a deficiency here, always a problem there, and I can’t dedicate my time to the things I want to do, like write and game. Sure, I play games for PSU, but that takes up the three hours of free time I have in a day. Which is fine, I suppose. I want all of this. I really do.
Maybe I should find a way to healthily sleep less. It’s only MY sanity. It’s obviously not appreciable enough to consider in the long run.
That’s an unfair statement. I can’t expect everyone to know why I’m so paranoid or antisocial. And I don’t exactly go out on a limb to know how others are doing either. So, I deserve it, I’m sure.
But, reader, don’t be surprised if I call you “sir” or “ma’am.” If I’m at arm’s length, you will be as well.